Tag: john mulaney

Today a girl in my English class was warning us about how some guy always runs from the liquor store across the street to the campus library and has some long drawn out sob story like, “Hey could I just get a couple dollars because it’s my birthday today (everyday it’s his birthday), my mom just died and I lost my job…” So of course, I ask, “Is he new in town?” And some girl’s head just whipped around having understood my reference. I swear John Mulaney is this generation’s rosetta stone. 

susiephone:

underrated john mulaney quotes:

  • “he never forgets a bitch ever”
  • “…and he was almost impressed!”
  • “because we’re delta airlines / and life is a fucking nightmare”
  • “SCATTER!!!!!!!!”
  • “…which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also incredibly well coordinated for a group of thirteen year olds”
  • “i’m a little fat girl”
  • “the best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best”
  • “and i was the ONE pre-y2k asshole going ‘and also with you!’”
  • “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” *drinking like it’s the end of the world* “Ehhhh, I’ll just show a video.” “That’s why teachers show videos?!”